its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
