Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
