bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need a burrito and a hug.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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