when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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