The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
