I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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