I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
