someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
