I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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