Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
