My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
