____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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