My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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