I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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