This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
