Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
