woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
