My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
