party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
