Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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