Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
