She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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