So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
