does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
we should paint friendship bongs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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