I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
