Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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