I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How does it feel to date your dad?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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