Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
