you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
