I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
