my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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