mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
