People in love make me want to vomit
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
