My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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