Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
