If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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