mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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