no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
