your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
