Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
