i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
