my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
