put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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