god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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