I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
