Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
40s are totally the cure
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
