kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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