"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
