Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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