you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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