you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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