it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
