i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
