My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
