We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
