i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
