How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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