What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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