You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
two words...techno handjob
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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